A big thank you to everyone who cheered for me in the talent contest at ELF on July 29, 2006! (I won! Go me!) Several people asked me for the lyrics,1 so here they are. (I’m sorry for the crude page layout; we elves are not known for our HTML skills.) I’ve added some footnotes with information for those who weren’t there, or who were there and want to know what the heck I was thinking.
When I get a chance, I’ll post more information about my costume, and a general report on the convention (including photos of other people’s awesome costumes)! I don’t usually use this many exclamation points, but ELF was so much fun, I’m still excited!
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 2.5 License.
Update August 9, 2006
The above photos are by Kevin Sean Michaels.
And TheOneRing.net just posted lots of photos of ELF, including some of me. Be sure to click “next” and “previous” to see all the other contestants too, especially the elegant elf trio who won the costume contest! The photos don’t even capture how amazing everyone’s costumes looked in person.
In case you’re wondering why I’m cracking up in that first photo: The entrance form for the contest asked you to write down a description of your costume, but didn’t say if this was to be read aloud during the contest or only for the judges’ information. So I figured I’d better err on the side of writing too much, and if they didn’t want to read it aloud, or at all, they didn’t have to. So I wrote quite a lot, as my costume has a lot of parts, and I described them all. It turns out this was to be read aloud during the contest. When the woman introducing everyone saw how much I wrote, she read it all but got fasterandfasterandfaster! in a very comical manner, and I was trying to point out each part while she mentioned it, but couldn’t keep up! So there you go.
There’s also a nice convention report posted by TheOneRing.net staffer Garfeimao.
I Would Be A Wood2 Elf Myself
(c) 2006 Anna3 of Mirkwoodside4
If you say the word elf to the average Joe Shmoe
He may think of Santa, and Christmas, and snow
That’s a good kind of elf, making toys to fill the sleigh
So good boys and girls can get gifts Christmas day
But that’s not really something I think I could do
If nothing else, I’m a Jew
CHORUS
So, fa la la la lally5
Come back to the valley6 with me
And we’ll live in a tree, so don’t dally
There are all different kinds of elves in the world
But I would be a wood elf myself.
To someone who watches a lot of TV
The word elf might make them think of cookies
You’ve seen them in commercials, the elves from Keebler
Find them too persuasive, you’ll be fatter and feebler
But a Keebler elf isn’t something I could be7
I’m gluten-intolerant,8 their cookies aren’t for me
CHORUS
If you’re a fan of Peter Jackson’s trilogy
The elves in those films are really something to see
Their clothing is sumptuous, their art is nouveau
But I’d look presumptuous and run out of dough
If I tried to look always so visually stunning
So the role of movie elf is one I’ll be shunning
CHORUS
Or you may think of Haldir and his host at Helm’s Deep9
Great warrior archers defending the keep
Well armored, with arrows and swords do they fight
But big battle scenes aren’t something I like
At the first sight of blood, my heart turns to mush
If I wanted a war I would’ve voted for Bush
CHORUS
Elves, of course, aren’t something new
In the middle ages they talked about elves a lot too.
When a mysterious pain caused someone confusion,
They came to the only logical conclusion:
“It’s those mischievous elves with invisible arrows,10
Malevolent creatures causing all kinds of sorrows.”
Medieval elves are great, but to be one? Not my fate.
For I was simply born too late.
CHORUS
To some the word elf might mean this convention.
Wizard Circle ticket? Sure, I’ll just cash in my pension.
The Dwarf Weekend Package was all I could afford
I paid and I’m working, well at least I’m not bored
It’s fun to dress up, such nice people I’ve met11
And hello to my friends from TheOneRing.net11
I’m grateful for the chance to be a convention elf
But after this weekend the costume goes back on the shelf
CHORUS
Fa la la la lally
So many here I can’t tally
I hope you cheer like a pep rally
If my song’s good, like Tin Pan Alley
I’ll be a star and move to Cali
Vacation in Bali
Travel by plane or ship’s galley12
Pick a stage name like Sally
I’ve got just one more rhyme so this is the finale!
CHORUS TWICE with modified ending:
I would be a wood elf
I would be a wood elf
I would be a wood elf myself, myself!
I would be a wood elf myself!
1 I’m not surprised no one asked me for the music, as I’d only finished writing it in the hotel room the night before, and it consisted of four chords which I occasionally played in the wrong order. I was singing the choruses and more or less just speaking the verses. If I wind up playing this song again, I’ll first write some better music, and perhaps add a bridge, and try to get some more practice in!
2Someone asked me if this is a reference to Elijah Wood. It isn’t, but it’s a funny coincidence that his co-stars supposedly started calling him “Elwood” without knowing that the name Elwood may be derived from “elf wood” meaning wood elf!
3 The costume contest sign-up form asked for my “character name.” Gee, I wish they’d give us some kind of warning on these things. (Though I shouldn’t have been surprised, as the exact same thing previously happened to a friend of my sister’s.) I chose Anna which is the Quenya translation of part of my real first name. Now guess my real first name!
4 OK, I actually live in Woodside.
It’s been pretty murky lately though. And we do have black squirrels!
5 If you want to get into a debate about whether “Fa la la la lally” is or should be protected by copyright law, please go do that somewhere else.
6 The phrase “Fa la la la lally, come back to the valley” may well be protected by copyright law, and of course was written by J. R. R. Tolkien, not me, but I believe I’m allowed to use it under the fair use provisions of the U.S. Copyright law.
7 I messed up this line. I don’t remember what I sang, but it wasn’t this.
8 “And we forgot the taste of bread.” 😉
9 I was worried this line would cause someone to come up to me afterwards and start lecturing me about differences between the books and the movies. Thankfully no one did.
10 I was so happy that Professor Drout had touched on the concept of “elfshot” in his lecture the day before! Isn’t he awesome?!?!
11 These are my favorite lines in the whole song, and I somehow completely left them out! (This was right around where I dropped my pick; that must’ve distracted me.) Gaagghh! Very sorry, TORnsibs.
12 I left out this line too, which is fine as it probably doesn’t make much sense.
Page created July 31, 2006, updated Nov. 16, 2008 and July 7, 2019.